There are no rules about how to live or what should be important to you. Sometimes when we step back from our lives we realize that we have been living as if there are certain rules. Where is this sense of “the rules” coming from? Usually it’s coming from the outside…from other people like parents, friends, society in general. Naturally, we want a functioning society and don’t need a bunch of people driving to work running all the red lights. But the kind of rules I’m talking about here are the ones we find ourselves living out subconsciously until one day we wake up and wonder why we’re following xyz rule and whether it’s working.
Rules can also be generated internally and these are often the kind that we don’t even realize we have for ourselves. We make up rules for ourselves and then feel like we have to hold ourselves to them, even when maybe things have changed and we would be better off allowing ourselves to do something differently. It’s worth stepping back and questioning. Are you living the life you really want to live or are you living the life you feel like you’re “supposed” to live according to some externally or internally imposed rules?
How do we know that something is a rule? It’s often preceded in our minds by a should, shouldn’t, have to or can’t. I should do this type of work. I shouldn’t make that change. I have to do this. I can’t do it that way, etc. There’s usually some rigid thinking involved.
Why is it important to question the rules we might be automatically living by without thinking about? Because when we live according to someone else’s rules, we’re living by their internal compass, not ours. And because when we’re living without questioning old internally generated rules, we’re often stuck and getting in the way of our capacity to change or grow. We’re reinforcing rigidity rather than building psychological flexibility.
Here’s a question to help put you more in touch with your own internal desire and sense of direction:
If no one would ever know, would I choose to make this thing important in my life? Would I choose to live in this way? If not, what would I choose and how would I be living?
Removing the sense of being judged and evaluated by others (or your own internal judge) can help you get more in touch with what you really care about so that you can live according to your own unique values. And that’s true freedom.
